Communication is Complicated
February
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Words have power
The nursery rhyme – “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is a lie. Words can build someone up or crush their spirit. They can motivate or demoralize.
Sometimes people don’t consider how powerful their words can be or how they can leave a lasting impression. As a leader or parent, you can intimidate and beat down or you can encourage and lift up. As a writer you can promote divisiveness and animosity or foster harmony and understanding. As a colleague or friend, you can humiliate and disparage or encourage and support.
Words are free but can also be costly.
They can be quick to say but last a lifetime.
Do you want to use them to lift up or tear down?
This doesn’t mean we can’t have difficult discussions. We can, but they should be conducted with compassion and empathy.
Think before you speak. Consider your tone as much as the words you choose. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and consider how you would feel with what is about to be said if it was directed at you. Think twice if what you are about to say is negative. It might need to be said, but remember – once it passes your lips, you can’t take it back.
Actions speak louder than words
“People can say all kinds of things without ever opening their mouths.” Noah Hawley
Words do carry power, but your body language is shouting over them.
Albert Mehrabian, who performed research on verbal and non-verbal communication, determined that communication was 55% nonverbal, 38% verbal and 7% words only. Mehrabian found that where there were inconsistencies between the verbal and non-verbal cues during communication, the non-verbal cues would dominate to determine the attitude of the speaker.
So, if you were to tell someone, “I don’t have a problem with you,” but didn’t make eye contact and frowned while saying it, the person would believe the non-verbal cues over your statement, not believing what you said.
How we interact is as important as the words we say.
Are you making eye contact or looking away? Are you frowning or scowling? Are you standing or sitting close or keeping the person at a distance? Are you preoccupied with your phone, computer, or something else instead of giving undivided attention? Are you frequently looking at your watch?
These might be unintentional, but unintentional or not, they will shout over the words you are saying.
And don’t forget the tone you use as well.
Be intentional in your conversations. Focus on the individual and practice active listening which will help maintain a focus with the person talking and then be mindful of your body language which could be inadvertently communicating a message you do not mean. Maintain eye contact, don’t be distracted with other things while talking or listening and smile (or at least don’t frown).
Empathy
“I’m sorry to hear that” is not the best response to give someone.
Granted, there are far worse responses, but you can do more than just feel sorry for someone.
Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone in their struggle or pain. It is like standing on the sidelines and feeling sad for the person. Empathy goes deeper. It is understanding what it’s like being in the middle of their issue or struggle. And from there, we are in a better position to help.
You may be questioning why I’m talking about empathy when the theme this week is about communication with others. That’s a good question. And the answer is - it’s all interconnected. Our subconscious primes our conscious thoughts. And that in turn does more than affect our non-verbal cues, it can steer the direction of the conversation.
“We must all try to empathize before we criticize. Ask someone
what’s wrong before telling them they are wrong.” Simon Sinek
What unconscious or conscious assumptions are we making if we can’t fully grasp what the person is going through? Parents of children can empathize with each other about the struggles of raising a child because they share that common bond. But someone without children will have a harder time empathizing with the struggles of parents.
What does this mean if a colleague, employee, or friend shares a struggle with you that you have no experience with? How do you empathize? You ask questions, spend the time to better understand the struggles and challenges the person is going through.
Why does this matter? Aren’t we too busy to slow down for this type of thing? Can’t they just “suck it up” because we have a lot of work to do?
Take this example, you have someone on the team whose work over the past week has been delayed and everything they submit each day is full of errors. You could meet with them and tell them you are disappointed with the quality of their work and if it doesn’t improve you will have to write them up. Or, you could meet with them and say you’ve noticed their work this week is not typical for them and ask them what’s wrong. They tell you their child has been very sick, and they have been up all night over the last 4 days taking care of them.
You may not have children, so you ask more questions to better understand what they are going through. Because you took the time for this, you not only understand why their productivity has dropped, but also have an appreciation for what they are struggling with and can offer suggestions to help like redirecting workload and giving them time off.
That’s WAY better than just saying “I’m sorry to hear that.”
When we treat our team members and employees like numbers on a spreadsheet and not human beings, we foster an environment they don’t want to be a part of. Turnover is costly and can be avoided if we treat people with care, understanding, and empathy.
It’s not what you said, but how you made them feel
How many times have you passed someone in the hall saying, “How are you?” but you kept walking without waiting for a response?
Words are important. They carry the power to lift up or heal. But words can’t heal if you don’t take the time to say them. And they are shallow if said without care.
You don’t know what someone is going through unless you ask. Too many friends, team members and colleagues suffer in silence.
Too many suffer in silence.
Words are important, but taking the time to care is critical.
Stopping and taking the time to connect is vitally important. You might be the lifeline the person needs today, right now.
What do you want to be remembered for?
“Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.”— Robin Williams
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